If you’ve read my About page you should already know why I started this blog. If not, please give it a read!
However, as with every book, there is a backstory!
This is my testimony:
Growing up, I had a lot of problems. I was bullied at school for multiple reasons, I suffered from anxiety attacks and depressive episodes, I had a rocky relationship with my family and I hated myself every day.
It wasn’t until I was a teenager and began harming myself that I decided I needed to talk to someone and get help. I started visiting my family doctor regularly to try to find a medication to treat anxiety and depression which seemed to make everything worse. At 16 I started dating a friend I had known since middle school and things were great for a while. At 18 we were engaged, living together and….pregnant. That whole time I still searched for anxiety and depression medications to no avail. Things got pretty bad between my (then) boyfriend and I. Things got violent and I kicked him out and called off the engagement. Sadly, stress on a developing baby is not good and I lost my sweet baby!
That lead my search of a working medication to an end.
I stopped caring about myself all together, as well as others. I picked up a bottle for the first time in my short 18 years. Whiskey controlled my life for two long years! It helped numb the pain of losing my child or so I thought. In reality, it destroyed relationships, made me lose jobs, made me do things I regret and changed me into someone no one recognized. It took my dad threatening to send me to rehab to help me calm down.
Shortly after I quit drinking, I was doing really good. I got into church, re-dedicated my life and tried to live a good life. But it didn’t last long. I started hanging out with the wrong crowd again, but, this time, I was smoking weed. One night we went to the park and everyone decided they wanted to go swimming. It was my little brother, a few friends and I who ended up going to a stripper pit called the Highwall. (If you don’t know what a stripper pit is, this one is a huge lake. Under the water there is anything from cars and ATVs to trees and massive rocks and other debri. It can be extremely dangerous to swim in them.)
We weren’t drinking that night. Nor did we smoke any weed. This night haunts my memories still (it has been two years almost). We decided not to swim because it was getting dark but a friend of a friend decided he was going to anyway. The next bit is sometimes a blur. I remember a yell for help and swimming as fast as I could to him. I remember how panicked his face was and how he drug us under when we couldn’t keep him afloat. I remember kicks and scratches all over my body. But most of all I remember the last time we saw him. Three days later, divers found his body 60 feet below the water.
If you know anything about small towns, you know how fast rumors spread… like wild fires. Panic attacks after panic attacks plagued me as the rumors flew. Depression sank in.
Finally I called my doctor and got back on my anxiety and depression medication as well as sleeping pills. I went to a psychiatrist who diagnosed my mental illness properly: Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) and Bipolar Disorder. The medications helped a lot.
However, I made yet another bad decision. I started dating someone I knew from high school. The relationship was amazing at first, then he started choking me. Then body slamming. And finally, punching me before I had enough. He was my breaking point…
I told my mom I HAD to go to church with her! And I went.
I broke down at that altar. My knees barely carrying me the whole way there! I broke down and cried like a baby. I begged for forgiveness like I never have before. And I knew then, God had come into my life once again!
Ever since then, I’ve changed. Slowly but for the better! God is my happiness. My faith in him is stronger than ever! I can’t do it without him!
I’ve made a lot of mistakes in my life… I do not claim to be perfect, nor will I ever. But I do claim to be a child of God and he forgives me when I fail him.
Thank God I’m changed! Thank God I’m saved! Thank God for all things both good and bad!